Men Don’t Need Fixing. They Need Somewhere to Put the Weight.
- Jonathan Ramos
- Jun 20
- 4 min read
The weight never gets less, and it is always there. As men, we simply stopped noticing it.
Jonathan Ramos is the creator of the blog 'Me, Myself, and MS', where he writes about life, family, mental health, and living with Multiple Sclerosis. His work combines vulnerability, humor, and real-life experiences to help others feel less alone in their own struggles.
June is Men’s Mental Health Month. You probably already received a lot of good advice this month. Such as: "take care of yourself", "practice self-care", "go to therapy", and "talk about your feelings". If you are getting these comments this month it isn’t a bad idea to take care of your mental health. But after years of therapy, living with Multiple Sclerosis, and spending a lot of time inside my own head, I have learned there are some things nobody says out loud. Things you will not find in a self-help book. Maybe things your therapist is probably thinking but cannot say. So let me say it.
First:
You are carrying more than you think. Personally, I feel most men are carrying the weight of bills, marriage, children, work, aging parents, health problems, and the pressure to keep everything moving. Some of us carry all of it so quietly that we forget it is heavy. Until one day we snap at somebody we love. Or we withdraw from everyone, maybe pick up some unhealthy habits along the way. Or, if you are like me, you stop sleeping well.
The weight never gets less, and it is always there. We as men simply stopped noticing it.
Second:
Talking does not magically solve your problems. A therapist is not going to fix your marriage. Your best friend is not going to cure your anxiety. For me, I understand that my wife is not going to remove my depression. I will tell you right now that talking stops you from carrying everything alone. There is a huge difference. For years I thought strength meant handling things myself. Then Multiple Sclerosis showed up for me and laughed at that idea. Some battles are too big to fight alone. That is not weakness. That is reality.
Third:
Therapy can be awkward for some of us. Nobody says this part. Your first appointment might feel strange at first. You sit in a room with a complete stranger, and they ask questions that your own friends have never asked you before. Some people love therapy immediately. Others spend the first few sessions wondering why they are paying someone to stare at them. This is completely normal to feel. If you’re like me who cannot make it into an office visit weekly or bi-weekly, virtual therapy has its own challenges.
Internet issues, Distractions, Dogs barking, Kids walking through the room, trying to explain childhood trauma while your Amazon package arrives.
It takes time before trust develops between yourself and the therapist.
Fourth:
Therapy is not only for people in crisis. One of the biggest myths I grew up hearing was that therapy was for crazy people. You couldn’t tell someone to go seek help without offending them. I used to think therapy was only for rich people, or for people whose lives were falling apart. I bet this idea kept a lot of men away.
I believe the truth is much simpler. I can see that therapy covers all types of reasons you may need to seek a professional, be it that you are grieving, want to understand yourself a little better, or life has just punched you in the face and you need help getting back up…. But the truth is therapy is for human beings.
Fifth:
You need an outlet….. Not a distraction….. An outlet. There is a difference.
Scrolling through social media for three hours is not an outlet. Neither is drinking or pretending everything is fine. An outlet is somewhere the pressure gets released. For some people that outlet is therapy. For some others it is a trusted friend, your spouse, maybe you keep a journal, or you go to the gym, listening to music or creating art. For me personally it's meditation, and listening to my playlist on Spotify. Writing recently has become one of those outlets for me too. I keep a public blog on Word Press. I started writing about Multiple Sclerosis because I was trying to understand what was happening to me. Somewhere along the way I realized I was not only writing for readers. I was writing for survival.
The page became a place where I could put things down for a while. I can put all my fear, grief, frustrations and hope somewhere. All the things men are often taught to hide I release into the world.
Sixth:
You cannot help someone who does not want help. This one hurts to say, but If someone you love appears to be struggling, talk to them. Check-in on them, encourage them, give them your support. But understand something. You cannot force another human being to heal. You cannot rescue someone who is determined to suffer alone. Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep showing up. Leave that door open for them to remind them that they matter.
And Finally…..
Here is the thing no therapist ever told me directly: nobody is coming to save you. Don’t take it personally, it’s actually quite freeing to accept because it means you do not have to wait. You can start today by telling the truth and have a conversation with someone that you need help. Or you can jot it all down in your journal and when you are ready you could start to make that appointment to talk to a professional. Just stop pretending everything is okay.
For years I thought mental health was about becoming stronger. I think mental health is about becoming more honest. Honest about what hurts, what scares you, and what you need.
Just be honest about the fact that carrying everything alone was never the plan.
Not for you.
Not for me.
Not for any of…
To learn more about therapy, ask questions, or find the support that's right for you, start here.
