Or a Little Chaos in the Order
a therapeutic artist's statement
Rahela Bursac is a data scientist, technical writer, and artist. Her paintings will be on display this winter at Hosmer Library and at the Odigo Wellness center, in Minneapolis, MN.
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When my grandfather was dying, his caretaker asked my mother how she would describe our family’s belief system. My mother said, “we are all trying to make a little order in the chaos.” My grandfather chuckled when he heard this and mischievously added, “or a little chaos in the order.”
My early years were defined by a chaos so profound that I drove any evidence of it from myself in an attempt to be my own order. And while that may have been necessary, it occurred during those formative years when one becomes someone and became me. I was also defiant and oppositional, and that defiance started pushing back against my own perfectionism.
As a recovering perfectionist, I remind myself that the sameness of perfection would be suffocatingly oppressive. That it would end spontaneity, creativity, and the mistakes that drive life forward. That life happens in that chaos. That I am not wrong and that no one is right.
I make my art by partnering with the chaos I fortified myself against. I take time drawing out what I see in my head with water crayons or gouache. Then use running water to turn it into a watercolor. Each time I approach the running water, holding a piece I made with care, I am convinced I’m making a mistake that will ruin it. Each time, the piece is made more beautiful by the hands of chaos that touched it. I don’t get to fully control or know how the piece will turn out when it’s done. It is calming. It is terrifying. It is rewarding.
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